as i leave the smell of sound behind
with the city, my marveled stars
begin to grow cold and darkling:
there is only beauty
in the presence of life.
each breath, whether to curse or kiss,
burns brighter than fruitless lights
ten thousand years away.
i am satisfied standing
in the doorway of sleep,
watching you walk down the hall
just to hold me after i've
made love to this world.
you are the dark splotches
that would hold stars if not for
the flourish of human life.
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Kitty --
Seeing as this poem is freestyle, capital letters are not necessary. The uniform lowercase implies this system.
My focus was meant to be on the stars' absense in the city, not on the city itself. By belitting the stars with their "lack of life", I am likewise, in that motion, attempting to relocate the beauty in the city, in a person (a lover), and in the speaker, as they all possess "life", or "beauty". The focus, being beauty and life, is stressed in the negative sense with that that does not possess beauty or life. I understand that you believe a positive stress would be more potent, but I do not want to dwell on pretty city imagery when that could only aid a reader to overlook the message.
The rest of your suggestions will be justly kept in mind, thank you. Word choices will be reconsidered.
Xanthan gum, I do share some of Kitty's concerns regarding the diction. The first line was rather weak in terms of wording, but the rhythm really struck me. Was that intentional? I don't often see that kind of very natural flow in your work, and I wish you could do more of it in this piece. I think it would really help with the way some of your sentences can come out a little stilted. I think that this poem as a whole is an improvement over the complex/abstract structures I've complained about plenty of times before.
You might try a comma after "satisfied". It feels like there should be a pause there.
Regarding "splotches"--I know what kind of imagery you were trying to bring out there, but I'm not sure that the word is really the best.
I'd also like to see you clear up just who is being addressed in this poem. The speaker addresses no one specifically in the first stanza, but in the second stanza, a "you" appears, apparently a singular "you", someone the speaker cares about. In the third stanza, the speaker seems to be more ambivalent about "you", and this is where I get confused. Is "you" singular or plural? It would seem that if "you" is compared to "splotches," which is plural, then you would also be plural, as in "you all", meaning...the human race or another group of people?
Your title really added a lot to the poem for me. The tone of the poem seems to be sort of...cold and lonely, but still hopeful, no? The window being warm shows that, I think? I'm not entirely sure what I'm trying to say...Ah! I'm trying to say, "Good job! Sweet title!"
Colleen
I think you should add more caps I agree with kitty15. and also add a little more punctuation. good job
The first thing I'd like to see you do with this poem is to add some capital letters. I think a poem looks much more professional and much neater if the first word of each line is capitalised but that's only my personal opinion so don't feel that you have to do it.
The first stanza is interesting but I feel that some of your language is a little weak. Rather than the 'smell of sound,' perhaps you should use stench.
Rather than waste syllables on a weak description of the stars, why not describe the city a little more. Is it a place you're glad to be away from or would you rather linger? You could use something like 'sleeping city' or 'busy' city or maybe even 'dazzling city.' I'm sure you can come up with a better adjective than my examples but feel free to use them if you decide to make the change...
I'm not familiar with the word 'darkling'is it a real word or did you mean something else? Either way, I think it could be more effective. Maybe 'lifeless' or 'gloomy.'
I feel that 'There is only beauty...' should be seperated from the rest with a fullstop after the previous line. Or if there is a connection and it's just not obvious, use a semi colon.
I like the rest of that stanza very much. Some nice imagery.
As for the next part, again I feel that the first line could be stronger. Perhaps 'I am content to stand' but then I just don't like the word 'satisfied' so once more it's down to personal opinion. I don't understand the last two lines of this stanza. Unless they have any significance that I just haven't noticed, I think you should cut them and instead add some imagery of this person like -
'Watching youwalk down the hall,
Receding like a mist
Into shadowed realms'
I don't mind if you want to use any part of that or if you leave your poem as it is because it is your poem and therefore your choice.
In the final stanza I'm not so fond on the word 'splotches' and feel that 'patches' or 'surface' would work better.
Overall, I think the message at the end is very good and the poem has a lot of potential. If you rewrite any of it, I would love to read the final version.